Top Ten Things I've Learned as a New Parent That I Didn't Know Before...

10. The song "The more we get together the happier we'll be" is possibly the most annoying song ever made.
9. I thought I was hungry when I was carrying a 4, 6, even 8 lb fetus. That was nothin' compared to being responsible for 98% of the food that goes into my 20 lb. infant!
8. Those ridiculously large contraptions for babies to bounce in that take up half the space in the living room so that baby can bounce for a couple minutes a day? Totally worth it.
7. Chew toys are not just made for dogs. And why do they put squeakers in baby toys? Don't they know it drives my dog crazy?!
6. Sleep is a precious, amazing, beautiful thing.
5. The stroller we got when I was pregnant and I couldn't get the damn thing to open: I can now flip that thing out with a one-armed shake while holding a squirmy baby in the other arm!
4. Most women don't get their period while breastfeeding, which means they don't ovulate, which means breastfeeding is a form of birth control! The midwives, the doctors, the birthing class people all neglected to mention that.
3. Babies bundled up wearing knitted lion hats in infant carriers on top of grocery carts= blue hair magnets.
2. Time is a precious, unique, wonderful, and rare thing. Got some I can borrow?
1. I will act like a complete idiot to get that 20 pound little human to look at me with my eyes and laugh at (I mean with!) me.